Expat Angst

I’m so ready to move back to the states.  Each passing day here is like another day in purgatory.  I ought to appreciate the down time I’ve got now, as to finish projects, my novel and bake more cinnamon buns but…

 

my dreams have expanded.  No longer does the expat style suit me, make me whole, happy and fulfilled, at least not in the form I’m living it currently.  I’ve been fulfilled.  I’ve sipped it to the last drop.  Now I’m licking the porcelain for a last taste of flavor.  I had hoped for more sips but the German cup is dry and with it, my wanderlust.

 

As part of the military community, over the years I’ve gained more disrespect for the organization then before I entered it.  I’ve discussed the military’s lacking ethics back in June and little has changed other than a little karma has kicked those who deserved it.  Since June, lots of things were promised to change with presentation of new opportunities.  With that, family decisions were altered but those promises turned out to be dangling carrot lies to suit others’ needs.  Should I have ever trusted “military intelligence” to provide anything less than stupidity and manipulation for its own good? 

 

I’m tired of the negative attitudes Germans seem to have adopted towards Americans since my arrival, no doubt due to either bad international relations or the military base closures which have altered the lives of thousands of Germans, leaving bitterness at their doorsteps.  Many local nationals have lost jobs after 20+ years of working with the U.S. Army in Germany; local economies have been adversely affected by the base closures and friends and military conveniences lost for many who have known little else in their lives.  Hanau to name one base, has been around since WW II. The “new” generation of Germans really don’t know life without an American community outside their doors.  Some are happy about the change but others are not; they’re bitter and angry and it shows. 

 

The negatives of base closures I mention above are the tips of an iceberg of what GW Bush’s vengence has done: they’ve broken lives.  I often wonder if Germany supported the invasion to Iraq, would we be closing all but a handful of the American military bases?  I do not believe so.  Now the American military wants to put a base in the Czech Republic and from speaking to my family over there, many Czechs are NOT happy about it for justifiable reasons, one of which involves the fact that the base will have nuclear provisions. The Czechs, and some members of my family joined the bandwagon of insulting “those fucking Americans…” as though everyone fit the stereotype.  I’m so tired of that kind of talk too.  They really don’t know the America(ns) that I know, or remember I should say.

 

I have days where I feel like a prisoner here. I’m tired of rooftop views, small town mentalities, the crazy woman (literally) across the street who yells at herself at all hours of the night, the gloomy Frankfurt skies and the independence I once took for granted.  I’m tired of washing dishes by hand, not having a garbage disposal, walking 4 flights of stairs to do laundry with bad knees, having language/communication problems and not knowing where to go to find deals for kids clothes because they’re growing too quickly.

 

I’m tired of not having access to bookstores where all books are in English, thousands of them!  I’m tired of having goals and dreams limited by the means in which to attain them.  The latter is probably what I’m most tired of. I want more. 

 

Being an American in Germany isn’t what it used to be.  America isn’t what it used to be.  I’m not who I used to be but I can’t really find out who I can be unless I leave the place which has solidified who I’ve become.  I’m ready to grow and finish what’s been started back in the states.  I’m ready to tackle those things which can only be achieved back there, a place I once knew as nothing but home.  Now I see it as merely another place to exist in.  For now, though, be it home or another place, I long for it.  I long to finalize loose ends and create new beginnings and hope to come back to Germany on my own terms in the future.  Whether a soldier or a civilian employee of the Army, the amount of freedom one has over his destiny is limited to the idiots who work behind a desk and make choices for you according to rules and regulations that one needs a microscope to find loopholes in – or serious ass kissing.

 

Germany has given me all it had to offer.  I’ve created a beautiful, healthy and happy family, an idealistic marriage, and I learned I’m one heck of a fantastic mother.  Those are the three things my past never allowed me to attain.  Germany gave me the kind of love I sought and by living here, I found the meaning of love and sowed the seeds to a much more fulfilled existence by using the love power I’ve gained as a result.  I feel like an expat graduate.  I just need that diploma so that I can finally move on and make use of the knowledge I’ve gained.  Otherwise, I’m merely a prisoner in Germany, waiting to be free and to fill a new lack that has developed.