“Delete”

I’m about to hit “delete” for my website content.  Unusual emotions fill me. 

I can’t really define why I feel the need to do this.  It appears trivial but it’s not.  It’s symbolic in many ways that are clear to me.  It’s just time to move on and there doesn’t seem to be the need to keep my past roaming in cyber space.  Its need has evaporated. 

 I don’t have the heart to delete my blogspot blog though but that will come with time.  Who knows.  Sometimes we still need that book on the shelf rather than give it away, just in case. But just in case is simply fear of letting go. 

For quite a while I had been tormented with dreams of death. I’ve written about a few.  Then I had panic attacks that I would die during the delivery of my second child.  It was difficult to live through.  It got to the point where I isolated myself from society and turned inward.  School kept me afloat while my husband supported my plunge into darkness. 

In December I wrote a column for The Erotic Woman describing that I was going into the dark in terms of general life exploration.  Well, I realize now that I was actually moving into the light and out of the darkness.  I had asked for a flashlight several times. I hadn’t realized though that getting out the dark also required a cleansing – a rebirth – into the new perspective of “light” living.  It’s all clear now.  The fog lifted and the cave is behind me. 

I asked for a lightness of being.  I got it.  I never knew my little path of eroticism would lead me into its philosophical exploration.  I thought it would lead to sex!  Well, perhaps this journey will…  

…and I know my finger simply needs to push the “delete” button.  I need that funeral.  I need to let go because my past no longer defines me.  Talk about Freedom.  It feel good.

* i still have to figure out how wordpress works.  I’ll slowly add my blogroll and other links.