Utilitarianism Won

I’ve been putting off making the decision about a piece for a PTSD site expressing some of what I’ve been through with my husband.  The piece ended up being more emotional than expected, drew up all kinds of issues from the past and really made me think long and hard at the situation in front of me but ultimately provided some understanding I didn’t have prior.  As such, I decided that the moral dilemma sides w/ the utilitarian view of the greater good.  If there’s just one small chance my contribution of experience and knowledge on the topic might provide some comfort or help to another spouse with a similar situation, it’s worth the possible trouble later.  Dealing with PTSD and living abroad has completely changed who I was and it’s become clear that either the expat experience, my own personal evolution and/or Michael’s PTSD created a person my family doesn’t understand.  Others will and that’s who my story is geared for.  I have too much to offer in way of what I’ve been through with this to stay silent on its horror especially when I know other military spouses suffer as I have.  For me the point of life experience is to share it.  What people do with that information is their prerogative.  Not sharing something that could be of value to someone else is a selfish thing to do. 

Wow.  I’ve never really had to pull from philosophical theory before to make an ethical decision of quite this magnitude.  I find I can really hold on to something logically concrete as a base for my decision rather than a mere opinion which has emotion for its primary merit.  I love philosophy.

How to Kill an Erotic Story

I can’t concentrate today.  I’ve got a slew of erotic stories flowing around in my head and no quiet time to get them on paper.  It’s the kids.  Is the idea of boarding school really a bad idea?

“If I do this for you, I have to do this for all the parents”

I visited the school 4x this week for one reason or another.  If you get bored, at least read # 6.  It’s the punch, I think.

1) I met the principle momentarily – and for the first time – just after she, with what I perceived as attitude, explained to a pregnant mother that she can’t drop off her kid’s forgotten gym clothes as they don’t pull kids out of class: “If I do it for you I have to do it for all the parents”. Apparently the school is full of busy moms and kids who too often forget things and they’re trying to teach responsibility – being parents can’t seem to.

2) I visited the school to look at the Drug and Alcohol survey kids were supposed to take as meets the criteria of the No Child Left Behind Program. (Can we say FLAG?! ) The school memo stated I had option to opt my kid out and that I could come by to look at the questions but when I did – to their shock a parent actually came in – it wasn’t available so I came back the next day. I figured before I made such a decision I wanted to see what questions were going to be asked. I’m all for continuing in Nancy Reagan’s shoes with anti-drug programs but I found it rather baffling the way the questions were asked. For example: “Have you consumed any alcohol in the past a) 1 day, b) 2 days, c) 3 days, d) 4 days and so on up to the last 30 days for every single drug related question. To my amazement, drugs I’ve never heard of were listed. I’m thrilled my kid is going to learn about all of the drug possibilities she might run into with the kind of leash I have on her but more so because I feel that every 6th grader is a potential drug addict and alcoholic and educating them about it all this young takes the kind of audacity only a government initiated program could have, which of course, I support blindly, faithfully and fully. I not only trust educators (the brick finally hit my head) but the government who pays them. Further, the survey asked about eating habits, thoughts on the school, comfort levels with counselors, bullying and plans of dropping out. My real question is: have adults gotten so stupid as to think any child would actually be honest if they have used drugs or consumed alcohol or is there a fear or guilt tactic coming?  I decided to opt her out but my daughter opposed. She firmly expressed her desire to participate so I’m giving into her wishes. She loved the idea of being brutally honest to some of the questions which in my opinion were intrusive on an 11 y/o mind but I must realize my 11 y/o isn’t like others.  I found it unsettling as well at how much the principal stressed it was an anonymous survey when I inquired about seeing the questions. It came across as very defensive.

3) I attended the Principal’s Honor Roll award ceremony wherein, out of the 4 times I’ve seen the principal, she was rather personable. Maybe it was her pride in having a room full of smart kids or maybe it was that she was in front of parents. Either way, she reminded me of Olympia Dukakis in Steel Magnolias, with whom I’d just love to have a conversation with. And then I hear in the background from someone: “She was so fake”. That’s unsettling being I still have an appt. to make w/her to discuss issues.  The comment that morning which surprised me as well was that this school was among the top 10% in Georgia and those kids were in the top 10% of that 10%.  I suppose I should thank God we landed in the top 10% of Georgia greatness.

4) I visited this morning to drop off a printed essay to give my kid cause last night we ran out of printer ink. The timing was lovely. Once we got that squared away I inadvertently forgot to give it to her in the midst of daily evening bedtime chaos w/the toddler. I wondered if I was going to get the same speech the pregnant mother did for the gym clothes. I didn’t. I simply got the we can’t pull your child out of class for you to give this to her but we’ll put it in the teacher’s box statement. That was right after I noticed a sign on the secretary’s desk – bright yellow – which said “Your poor planning doesn’t constitute an emergency on my part”.  There’s nothing like a genuine “welcome”.

5) Being kids can’t be pulled out of class for parents to drop off something important as family life can get hectic and complicated, I was rather unhappy to hear that my kid and several others were pulled out of class a few days ago and called into the principal’s office wherein the principal herself stressed in an authoritative way that they’re the kids whose parents haven’t yet updated their immunizations and handed them a 2nd notice with neon pink highlighting the due date. I’d like to say in my defense that a dr. appt. has been made for 2 days prior to the expiration date 2 weeks from now. I didn’t forget and I didn’t plan poorly. I took the only available time which meets my schedule. My daughter tried to ask a question but was silenced and I got a 2nd notice as a reminder of the kind of bad parent I am for not jumping hoops for the school’s needs. … what is that bad word I like to use so much recently? It’s not enough.

6) Lastly, and the best I think is the essay referenced in # 4.  It was on the topic of how to support U.S. military heroes.  My kid’s draft paper was the one chosen for the entire class to correct.  My daughter’s draft was in contention for a school contest and I gather the teacher thought hers had a real chance and the entire class participated in edits.  That’s fine.  What’s interesting are the corrections themselves.  I don’t know which were by the teacher or by the students but the corrections were written by the teacher and read as follows: (blue is class addition)

Original: ”We should honor our military heroes everyday.  Because, if you had a specific day, date and time, that would be the only time to do it.  When you see or think of something to do with military heroes, honor them by thanking them.  Thank the people who died for this country, who protected us, and who helped our country grow strong.”

Class correction: “We should honor our military heroes everyday.  Because, if you had a specific day, date and time, that would be the only time to do it.  When you see or think of something to do with military heroes, honor them by thanking them.  Another way to honor them is to display your American flag at your house or to have a moment of silence  or a prayer before dinner (at dinner table) or in the car. Thank the people who died for this country, who protected us, and who helped our country grow strong.”

My daughter chose: “…silence at the dinner table.” 

I’m going to be silent on this issue as it’s the most intelligent thing for me to do at this time. 

As some readers know, I’ve got a bit of a list here to discuss with the principal and that list gets longer everyday.

The Insane Dance

And those that were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music” – Nietzsche

 

I read this I think Wow, that’s exactly what it must be and then relief follows.  Someone, though dead, understands.

!@#$ Ethics!

A week or so ago I was approached by a blog that shares written and audio stories of military families affected by PTSD.  My husband was approached first and I convinced him he needed to agree to an interview.  Little did I know it’d boomerang and I’d be interviewed too.  I was really nervous about it.  The topic is a delicate one.  However, the audio is currently being edited and will appear in about a month on their website.  After the interview I realized I forgot one major aspect to dealing with PTSD struggles and wrote the editor telling her I wanted to add it.  Well, now I’ve committed to an article and I’m having a really tough time with it.

The topic is family abandonment and denial to the reality of PTSD.  The piece in itself is very good and powerful but the story is centered around my life, which naturally includes my family.  The problem is, sharing the truth about the reality of this type of circumstance might one day hurt the very person it points abandonment at but I know others might find the information in it valuable.  I find myself in one of these ethical dilemmas of doing x for a greater good knowing that x might emotionally hurt a small group.  I always knew there was a problem with Utilitarisnism.  In fact, there’s a problem with every ethical theory out there.  It’s all relative and that makes it so much harder to make wise choices.

Published: Grounded & Hounded

Here’s my newest feminist piece , Grounded and Hounded: a male’s tale for The Legal Satyricon.  It’s another in defense of men piece.  My first was about jealous wives and military boys.

Motions of Motivations

I’ve never shared posts from my private blog but somehow I feel like this post would serve more value here than there.   It’s a leap of faith mixing the two worlds.

*****

I really have more important things to be doing than this blog. I’m almost pissed off at myself that I’m even wasting my time and then I think about how much it’s helped me thus far. That always causes an internal growl.

 

My thought for the day is simply this: What happens when one becomes who one wanted to be?

 

It seems like one of those goals one might set for himself that is rarely accomplished anyway. How many individuals in the billions of people on Earth truly become who they wish to be? Fully. I may be wrong but I think not all that many.

 

Then there’s the other good ‘ol question of what happens when one lives the life he’s set for himself or imagined? I’d gather there’d be some good in that as another kind of personal accomplishment. I think more people live this way than the other.

 

Like everyone, I have my views of how to live life but I’ve always been more interested in the first question. I could never really attain the dreams I set for myself because they were all so high, almost unrealistic depending on what that term means to you. But youth offers little experience to define properly the difference between realistic or unrealistic. For me, unrealistic was simply possible and so unrealistic didn’t exist. It was only the external world that told me x wasn’t realistic.

 

The question for me though wasn’t so much about what was or wasn’t unrealistic but more, how does the unrealistic happen because I could point to hundreds of examples of others who achieved the “unrealistic”. Is such accomplishment fated or created? Does every single individual have potential for such but his facticity, conditioning and fears lock his potentiality down? What is that defining line between average and excellent?

 

See, there are a handful of people who consciously or subconsciously put me down my whole life and it often centered around my unrealistic visions of life. Seven years of conscious work got me to the point where I know for a fact that I’m not the one who is crazy. Crazy are those who have no vision. As an adult, I see I got this from my father. I’ve been studying him through the years and clearly see where he made his mistakes. There’s a list in my mind in ways to be more careful than he. So far, it’s working.

 

Everything in my life is run by an internal motivation except when I feel like giving up and that has come more times than I can count on this 7 year journey. But then I think of those people who have no vision and I smile at the thoughts of unrealistic success. It’s only the individual who believes unrealistic exists that keeps him from proving that he is in fact dead wrong.

 

The end result for me is loosing its meaning. I’m finding the journey a lot more fun. The end result is going to be a big bang. I’m just waiting to see if it happens and going through the motions necessary to live it. It might not ever happen the way I want but I’ve become nothing short of who I wanted to be in the process. As far as I’m concerned, I’ve already transcended into the realm of the so called impossible. So few seem to get here. There’s a natural desire to want to share its beauty but one can’t share beauty if another doesn’t open his eyes to its possibility of existence.

 

Now, I may be wrong, of course. But wouldn’t be it be interesting if I wasn’t? That’s all it’s about for my scientific mind, the challenge of the life “experiment”. I don’t expect to succeed with my personal thesis but wouldn’t it be cool if I did for no other reason than just because its process is fun, empowering, thought provoking, passionate and creative? What is there to lose? We become equal 6 feet under. What else is there to do in life? Shop? Watch TV? Listen to Fox News? Play video games? Surf the Internet all day? Work? Pay bills? Dream of sex you’re not getting? Worry? This is self-proclaimed slavery to the external forces of political, capitalist and religious gain and power. It’s a willing waiver of mind. It’s a damn waste of human potential. I’m not here to be a robot. I didn’t volunteer for slavery.

 

There’s something great in this mind of mine and I’ve known it since I was a child. It might not serve any grand purpose but my own. I just want to know what that is. Not for myself, as in for my ego but for myself as an observer of this person I’ve become. A 360 degree being is, I believe, the defining line between average and excellent. I just don’t know how long of a transition period between them is. I’ll be sure to let you know when I figure it out.  I’m still battling the black of fear.

I’m Back on the School Thing

Gifted Program

I have yet to hear back from my kid’s teacher about the gifted program. But, I do like her teacher so I’m not mad about it.  Thing is, my child is bored. I know I have to supplement her curriculum but I need the school to work with me on that. In fact, I demand the school work with me on challenging her more. Not only am I somewhat financially forced to entrust their way of teaching, but it seems I must give into the way they parent children. Is this because parents forgot how to parent or is it simply easier to allow the schools to take care of what parents don’t find time for? Being a parent is a lot harder than anyone ever lets on and the schools here make it harder. But that’s just me.

I actually have a weird child who enjoys learning and this runs deep because that’s how I was and my past involved a school system that dumbed down its education and my full scholarship was lost when my family moved to a new school district and I couldn’t keep up without more effort then I’ve ever had to put into learning.  Couple that with hormones and a teen mind and it’s a wonder I ended up with B at graduation.  When you’ve got a school that has to dumb down education, allow open book tests regularly, offer primarily multiple choice on testing and regulates 3 book checkouts per week, clearly they’re ill prepared for someone with true potential. Like I said before, in an effort to leave no child behind, they’ve forgotten about the ones who have what it takes to be successful at a young age. They waste their time on the lazy kids.

You know, I’m all for equality but there’s always someone who needs to clean a toilet. Becoming a toilet cleaner is a choice and while I’m all for helping disadvantaged kids, there’s another side. In this case, my child falls into the other spectrum of disadvantaged: her potential and desire are unchallenged because the Georgia public school system is designed for average – standard in the expectation of the CRCT.

My feeling is this, if you have to bribe kids to learn, you’re not doing something right. If you minimize the learning potential of kids who are clearly advanced and self-motivated then you’re a pathetic excuse for an educational institution. Thus far, that’s how I view the schools here.

Boys Not Allowed To Dress Like Girls

You know when you’re in a totally fucked up environment when kids are allowed to dress up for Halloween in school but are specifically told boys can’t dress as a girl character. Girls can dress like boys but not the other way around. Not that I know too many boys – or any for that matter – who might wish to dress up like a princess on Halloween but merely the specific mention that boys can’t “cross dress” for school Halloween events while girls can takes on a new form of sexism for youth, doesn’t it? Perhaps the Christian community here fears the boys will like it. Heaven forbid.

Throwing School Papers Away

My oldest was required to give her first 9-weeks folder, filled with assignments, notes and tests, to the teacher. We’re not sure if she’s getting it back, if it’s getting graded or just being thrown away. The teacher didn’t say. Another teacher had kids empty out their folders in another class and told them they could do what they wanted (basically) with the paperwork. Funny, in my era we were told to keep everything until the end of the year to use for midterms and finals.

Hat Day

As a fundraiser, the school holds a Hat Day in which kids can wear hats to school for $1. Last year I didn’t really have a lot of money – well, I still don’t – but I was dipping into the change jar for lunch money. I didn’t want to give my kids another dollar to fund a school I don’t support just so my kids can wear a stupid hat. Well, that attitude caused some guilt when I saw how saddened my step-son was about being one of the few kids in his class who didn’t wear a hat because his step-mommy wouldn’t give him a freakin’ hard earned dollar for the privilege. Talk about parental failure!

I tried to imagine what it was like to be in class all day, looking at the kids who did wear hats because their parents believe such privileges taught kids some valuable lesson about supporting the community or charity, who gave into their kids’ every whim or simply didn’t think twice about it. In my imagination, it must have been like smearing salt into a wound.

Hat Day turned School “Dance”

The last hat day at my daughter’s school was a competition and the grade that would win would also win the prize of a “school dance”. The class that brought in the most money won 1.5 hours out of class to attend the gym and socialize or dance to the music that was playing. The 2nd place grade got one hour and the 3rd got 30 minutes, each on different days. At least there was no salt in wound rubbing there I suppose.

I know I don’t follow normal thought but I was rather surprised to not have gotten a memo about it. Neither my daughter nor I knew what was exactly meant by “school dance” which was by classmates also referred to as “homecoming”. Clearly homecoming is way different or have I been out of high school too long? Oh! Wait. Did I say high school? Yes. I do believe I did. Did I mention that my child is in middle school?

I know dances are in middle schools but I’d think parents would be notified. We didn’t know what it was about and my daughter wore a pretty dress – not formal – but a nice dress I bought her for pictures. She was the ONLY girl who wore a dress and of course got looked at weird and even snickered at by friends (girls are such bitches to each other). Thing is, who gave the school the permission to decide that in exchange for fundraising (which these days is turning into child slavery and parental obligation) the kids got a reward, one parents like myself knew nothing about.

I don’t mind the socialization to music idea. I think that’s a great way boost socialization which typically is not allowed being the kids are punished for talking so often but calling it a “school dance” via my daughter’s interpretation being I got no memo on it, seems wrong because that’s not really what it was and there was a lot of discussion about that dance in this house.

I’m not too thrilled with how this school system is using kids to earn educational dollars being GW Bush thought it was better spent fighting for the freedoms we can’t seem to understand anymore as a united country. I’m annoyed they’re choosing the kind of rewards and punishments kids get on school time, including the ice cream parties and candy giveaways.

My child is 11. She’s not a fundraiser. She’s a student. Nor is she, at her age allowed to go to any kind of dances. Yes, that’s strict perhaps but like I said, she’s 11. I know what I did with boys at 14 and I have a very beautiful, intelligent and well liked daughter. She ends up the popular girl everywhere she goes. Good for her but not good for me aka parent! I don’t want the schools introducing that kind of socialization without me having the opportunity to approve but I certainly can’t approve if I have no idea that it’s even occurring. Yet, I get sent a notice to allow my kid to watch a rated PG-13 movie! The logic dumbfounds me.

The Principal Visit

Having been fooled once by the politically correct sparkle of parent-principle talk last year, I don’t plan to be a fool again. I already know politically correct speeches have long been prepared and handed to every school principal in this county so that they could properly ensure to respond to parental complaints and have them walk out feeling as though all is A ok but really, it was all a bunch of fluff, the kind of fluff that offers solutions just to hush the parents up. I might be wrong. I have to vent before I go to the parent-principal meeting I have yet to schedule because the moment I think of it, my blood pressure sky-rockets and my mouth takes over.  The library issue I plan to discuss is merely skimming my list. Should I make several appointments or just lay it all out at once?  *note to self: behave!

Blooming Pains

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” Anais Nin

That is simply stunning.

My Morning Prayer

You know, a photo essay on church signs across town might be a good way to sizzle out the frustration.  This one made me go home, grab the camera and drive back to snap a picture.  I gave it all I can*.

 

 

* that’s supposed to be “could” isn’t it?  Doesn’t have the same punch.

Can’t Get Enough Pink

Just when you thought it was safe to think pink, the tides turn.  Have you noticed an overabundance of pink products lately, specifically with ribbons that support breast cancer?  Some claim enough is enough but 1) this is America, what else is new 2) this is what capitalism does and 3) it is raising awareness to breast cancer, which is the clear and objective point.

And that reminds me, I’ve really been putting off that mammogram.  A few more run ins with another pink ribbon should serve as my enough is enough.

http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/life/pink-overload-are-companies-taking-advantage-of-breast-cancer-awareness-month-525251/

Monday, Monday

It drives me crazy that there are great opportunities appearing out of the woodwork because that means I have to surrender to living here, maybe even liking it.  Being my three life charges will be balanced again because each opportunity fits an appropriated charge, surrender is simply the best option.

These opportunities of possibility are just too good to walk away from.  Damn.  It’s like I’m not being allowed to leave.  How sick is it to suddenly be offered the dangling carrots, have them drop within reach and hear “Still want that RV?”

Arrghh.

Artistic Reason

As a writer and artist, I’m very solitary. As a result I had to learn to enjoy my own company but eventually the marriage between selves gets the itch to go out among others, come out of hiding to remind me that there is a certain madness in the passions of artistry no matter the medium and locking up oneself is merely another form of enslavement.

I get lost in artistic creativity and tune out the entire world. An artist has to.

Trying to bridge the various passions in my life into some simplified form has been absolutely tormenting. I identify with Renaissance artists who dip into too many things, all related, all independent and together they really create a broad, richer and comprehensive view of that mind. The creative influx of broad perception is proving to me very fucked up indeed.

I can’t imagine my life without the Internet. It lets me expose the intimate affairs of reason and creativity without it sitting in a locked up diary which to me serves little use.

Unter Der Blaubeermund

Doorway of Reason

Allow me to discuss this RV idea in one quick swoop: I don’t love my kids that  much.

I have to create another escape solution.

… see, I’m not that crazy. I just get crazy ideas. That doesn’t mean I act on them.  We might do a 1 month family vacation to test out its guaranteed failure.

Besides, some very interesting opportunities are beginning to develop. Their potential good, if I can find a way to sustain my sanity here, are worth the risk.  Interestingly, these opportunities presented themselves before the breakdown but it was only after it that I was able to see what they might really be good for. 

This is going to be a tough journey but I’m getting used to those.  What I’ll get out of this should I make it is exactly what I need personally, professionally and sexually.  I’ll stop at that.

And The Stupidist Question Is…

Below is my daughter’s recent quiz for the media center.  It’s fascinating to me that my child’s school feels it is important for my daughter to be tested and graded on the highlighted portions of this quiz when certianly there is much more to library science or just basic library function and knowledge than knowing the three librarians’ names (one of whom told my kid she passed her weekly limit for visits), when the library closes or how many kids at one time can attend.  Though for stupidist question I’m finding a tie between # 15/16 & 19… though 1,2, 11, 12, 13, 14, 17 and 18 are pretty damn close! 

Welcome to my reality.  (click image to see larger, readable version)

 

 

 

 

Should I mention the cheating study guide students are allowed to use for mid-term testing?  Best not.  My blood pressure might make me not only scream profanity but purchase a big freakin’ airplane to sky write it.

Living The Good Life

I was very struck by the simplicity (and complexity) of Dr. Garrett Lisi’s  E8 model of the universe and theory, An Exceptionally Simple Theory of Everything in this TED video . I remember when Lisi’s theory hit the news several years ago. I was working on my love theory – which wasn’t much of a love theory back then, though I’m still questioning where the heck it’s going – and I stumbled upon the need to incorporate geometry into it. Well, being I feared failed geometry and haven’t taken a math course since, one might imagine how ironic that was to me.  However, when I saw Lisi’s E8 model I thought wow, that’s got possibilities.  I didn’t need the math.  I needed the visual description of it. (not that it’s necessarily going to work but it’s an ambitious starting point and everything I do begins ambitiously)

Since I can remember I’ve been fascinated with Einstein and when I discovered quantum physics I was like a dog panting in heat. I considered going into physics but well, the math thing made the entire physics idea seem like a guaranteed failure. Instead I read layman physics books, took my time and finally figured out the weird world of quantum physics – in layman knowledge but being philosophically minded, I really enjoyed taking that knowledge and applying it into philosophical inquiry and theory and not being a physicist, it was all I needed. And though I’m still figuring out my love theory, I’ve found some simplification to it that Dr. Lisi unknowingly provided.

During the TED video, Lisi concludes with telling his audience that he is led in life by three “charges” (a play on words being he was discussing the electrical charges of atoms):

This theory and others like it are longshots.  One does a lot of hard work knowing that most of these ideas probably won’t be true about nature… As with any large investment it can be emotionally difficult to abandon a line of research when it isn’t working out.  But in science, if something isn’t working you have to toss it out and try something else.  Now, the only way to maintain sanity and achieve happiness in the midst of this uncertainty is to keep balance and perspective in life. ..I try to balance my life equally between physics ,love and surfing.  My own three charge directions.  This way even if the physics I work on comes to nothing I still know I’ve lived a good life. (source)

I thought simplifying things might create some order in the chaos I’ve got going on right now. It was actually a bit of a struggle to focus my life into three main charges but I did and it led me to the next step in feeling like I understand myself and my direction better. That doesn’t necessarily organize the chaos but at least I can see what’s around me and begin sorting it so I can live a good life.  What I’m living now is definitely low on 2 of my 3 charges.  The positive spark here is that now I know the 2 elements that need attention to feel balanced again and I found a base for continuing my own theory.